Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Good or Bad Cry...

So, I'm reading "Running With The Demon" by Terry Brooks. I have to read myself to sleep. Don't ask me why. I finish the second chapter, and put the book down. I turn out the light. Curl up next to Eric. Even though he is sound asleep, he puts an arm around me. The thought jumps into my head, about him, "You are mine." And I start to cry. I cry because he's given me Sean. Sean and his pretty red hair. Sean who is so beautiful and loving and cuddly. Sean, who reminds me of Matt. Matt, who I yelled at just before he went to bed. I yelled at Matt because I'd made myself some tuna for dinner. Tuna with too much Miracle Whip and a little bit of sweet pickle relish. On high-protein wheat toast. Open-faced because I knew that if I put the tuna between two pieces of toast, it would just ooze out onto the plate. So, there's my tuna, sitting half on one piece of toast, and half on another, and I'm signing a progress report for Matt to get extra credit and he takes it upon himself to put the two pieces together. The tuna oozes all over the plate... only a smidge between the bread and the rest in a pile around it. And I jump Matt's shit because why did he have to touch my dinner? Why? What the HELL was he thinking? He gets mad at me and I get madder... and I know I shouldn't, but I can't seem to stop myself or shut up. Now I'm mad at him and mad at myself for being mad at him for something so stupid. And six hours later I'm lying in bed crying for being such a horrible parent.
I should be happy. I'm steadily losing weight. I feel better about myself than I have in over twenty years. My financial life is miserable, but crying won't change that.
I live in a house with three guys, they all love me, and all I can do it cry about how wonderful my family is. Quietly. All of a sudden I realize that I'm warm. I feel flushed and for the first time in six months my feet, face, hands and ass are all warm at the same time! Crying did that? Shit! Is it worth the headache I'm going to have to have a warm ass? Damn straight. So, I'm going to go back to bed and cry some more, get my feet warm and cry myself to sleep... sounds like a plan.

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